[CrackMonkey] programming

Nick Moffitt nick at zork.net
Thu Oct 11 17:52:23 PDT 2001

Big-company software development is in many ways a lot like a good
extended solid drunk. It all begins with grins and laughter and free
rounds for everybody. The four-beer tongues fly loose and lecherous,
and everyone's got big crazy plans that seem like easy money to
everyone in the joint.

After a while, the punks turn angry, and the sugars spurn them to take
offense at every little quip and turn. Nobody likes a mean drunk, so
the place divides up into gangs, and the turf battles begin.

It's at about this stage that the latecomers show up. Alfred Brooks
theorized that adding more programmers to a late project makes it
later. He said it was because getting one new developer up to speed
took away an experienced one. I say it's because all these stragglers
get into clumsy fistfights with the bastards who dumped all the work
on 'em.

They spend the first few beers getting caught up with the rabble, but
after that they are consumed with hate. "Look what those fuckers
dumped on me! How can you expect me to play nice with this bunch of

As the deadline grows near, things enter the maudlin stage. The sugars
are all burned off, and there doesn't seem to be much hope past
closing time, which is getting closer by the minute. It's at about
this point that the pasty vassals who were hired to keep you in line
offer their sympathetic ear.

"Just bring that up at the next status meeting, and I'm sure it'll be
resolved," they murmur soothingly as they polish a glass with a
dishtowel. "I'm sure QA will be able to handle it."

But closing time does eventually come. And those selfsame vassals,
silently ordered by a knowing nod from the manager, will just chuck
all this human waste out onto the chewing gum, urine, and motor oil
like so many winos.

"The only thing is certain: Russian petty computer hooligans are very
slovenly, while FBI agents are very persistent in hunting them." --Pravda
	01234567 <- The amazing* indent-o-meter! 
        ^	    (*: Indent-o-meter may not actually amaze.)

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