[CrackMonkey] clyde speaks

[Nick Moffitt]

"open letter to gotahoe.com!"
by clyde <clyde at hoe.nu>

hello!

i'm so nervous!  i've never written a letter to a web site before!

let me introduce myself!  i am a literate, internet-using individual
living and working in the san francisco bay area!  this is
significant, so please remember this fact!

recently, while taking the commuter "bart" train to work, i have
noticed some new billboards on these train cars!  the advertisement
billboards are white-on-blue, and seem to exist for the purpose of
advertising a web site "www.gotahoe.com"!

let me point out at this time that your "dot com" strategy has failed!

due to the nature of my perhaps perverse personality, i look at a web
site address like "www.gotahoe.com" and can't help thinking that it
means, "got a hoe?"!

but when i go to your web site, i see nothing at all about
prostitution!

and truly there are many--possibly a number in the hundreds or
thousands-- who are exposed to this advertising on a regular basis who
think just like i do!

haven't you done any research!  didn't you gather the panel of average
bay area residents in a room, stood behind a fake mirror, and watched
the reaction as the advertisement is introduced!

apparently not, my friends!

so, let me introduce you marketing geniuses to your new friend, the
hyphen!

many e-commerce businesses these days have already discovered the
hyphen as a powerful and effective way to properly align words within
an "internet domain name"!  unfortunately, you are not one of them!
so watch as i carefully hyphenate your web site address, automagically
removing all doubt as to its meaning!

www.gotahoe.com -> www.go-tahoe.com!

now!  you may be asking yourselves, "what should we do, now that we
have two registered domain names?"!  let me tell you!  first, while
your e-customers migrate to the new hyphenated domain name, redirect
all traffic from gotahoe.com to go-tahoe.com!  then, once people get
the idea and will never--i mean never, ever, ever!--type the website
address "www.gotahoe.com" in again for the purpose of weekend getaway
vacations (now take note!  you will need to do some heavy coordination
with your marketing department!  if you are the marketing department,
then you are or should be in deep shit!) then you can open a new line
of business!

this new line of business will be a complete, e-commerce solution for
purchasing the services of a prostitute, all online!

first, take pictures of your prostitutes!  this should not be hard, as
you already seem able to take pictures of a lake!  then, set up
shopping cart software!  allow people to click on pictures, and add
these ho's to their shopping cart!  i would suggest implementing
one-click checkout!  if you can't figure out why, you shouldn't be in
the sex industry!

now, i have a copyright on this idea, but i don't have the
high-quality, eye-catching domain name for such a web site, like you
happen to have!  call me and maybe we can work something out!

anyway!

let's get back to talking about lake tahoe, shall we!  upon reviewing
the content of your fine, ultra-fast web site, i did find exactly one
example of proper hyphenation!  for example, on the web page located
at http://www.gotahoe.com/winter/winterfs.html i have found a listing
for the phone number 1-800-GO-TAHOE!  here is a case where you have
truly succeeded in cyberspace with punctuation!  throw yourselves a
party!

see, you can do it if you try!

by the way, i hate snow!

love, clyde

-- 
CrackMonkey.Org - Non-sequitur arguments and ad-hominem personal attacks