- What is CrackMonkey?
- How do I post messages?
- D00d! H0w D00 1 uN$ub$cr1b3?!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!???????!?!?!?!?!!!!
- What sort of music should I listen to while reading CrackMonkey?
- What does that feel like?
- How do I set up my own Top-Level Domain (TLD)?
- Are bogus TLDs real?
- How do I win at rock-paper-scissors?
- What is CrackMonkey's stance on Werner Von Braun?
- What about the Wolf Urine project?
- Is it true that CrackMonkey is a puppet of the SuSE war machine?
- So who was this Penguin Computing?
- How Do Women Perceive The OSM Group?
- I notice a lot of what appears to be German on CrackMonkey. Is this due to your employment at SuSE?
- But wait--I don't understand! You just said you worked for SuSE!
- What's all this about "Linux's coming-out party" being LinuxWorld Expo?
- I hear that the list is automated through Majordomo.
- If CrackMonkey were a chef, what kind would that be?
- What about Zardoz?
- Why does Rick Moen hate internal modems so much?
- Are the Dutch to be feared?
- My boyfriend and I want to purchase one CalTrain pass
which we share to visit each other during the month of September.
However, we're stumped about what to do. If he uses the CalTrain
pass to get from San Francisco to Sunnyvale (where I live) and return
to San Francisco in the morning, he'll still have the pass with him
in San Francisco when I try to get from Sunnyvale to San Francisco to
visit him. What should we do?
- Who is the greatest programmer of them all?
- What will life be like in the future?
- How can one become "cool"?
- How do I hack into pillsbury dough cannisters?
- Why do you put malicious code on your site?
- How do I get a room full of cats stoned?
- What is this TNICNAZ thing?
- So wait, what is TNICNAZ again?
- What is the difference between the older and newer models of Sony robot dog?
- Why isn't pico installed on crackmonkey.org?
- Help! I'm trapped in an Italian restaurant and need to do many arithmetic calculations!
- I can't help but notice that JerkCity seems to be full of Esperantists. Are they related to Crackmonkey?
- How do black boxes survive plane crashes?
- Why do rasisins suck?
- What would Brian Behlendorf do?
- So is San Francisco rent down to reasonable levels yet?
- If gifs are so cool, how come they aren't used for pr0n?
- What's this MAPS vs. ORBS battle that went on in the summer of
2000?
- What is it like to be a programmer?
- So why does the list suck sometimes?
- So why does the list subject tag have exclamation points in it?
- And on the subject of the list, why the hell can't Windows users
post?
- Ha ha! I hacked my proprietary mailer, so now it says that it's
mutt! I showed you!
- But I use Linux/BSD at work ad I am really smart and hack kernel
code and should be let in!
- Hang on a moment, were those actually useful questions with
relevant answers?
- Where the hell did the list go?
- Oh great, how am I supposed to get in the FAQ now?
It is a monkey that is smoking crack, you silly person.
Wildly and with abandon. You should post your messages in English,
MockDeutsch, or Esperanto if possible. Barring that, it's not unheard
of for CrackMonkey posts to be in Latin or Greek. Bear in mind,
however, that your words will be blasted into space as part of the
SETI project.
Simply write the word "unsubscribe" on the back of a hundred
dollar bill and send it to:
CrackMonkey Unsubscription Service
1 St Francis Place #5209
San Francisco, CA 94107
and we will be happy to send you the appropriate forms. Once
you receive the forms, you will be able to order an authorization key
for downloading the special CrackMonkey unsubscription software. Once
your key arrives in the mail, simply go to the crackmonkey
unsubscription web page and fill in your key along with appropriate
personal information.
In addition to the disclaimer that your home address and
e-mail will be given to targeted advertising groups across the nation,
there are some limitations to the availability of the CrackMonkey
unsubscription software. First, the software contains encryption, so
it cannot be downloaded by someone living outside of the continental
US (our sophisticated server will check your address for proof of
this). Second, the software contains certain algorithms that are
patented under US patent law, so it cannot be downloaded by someone
living in the United States (our sophisticated server will check your
address for proof of this).
Once you have received the software, simply refer to the
extensive 300-page manual (available in hardcover or trade paperback
from CrackMonkey publishing, Inc. for the affordable sum of $400 plus
shipping and handling charges and kickbacks for the courier service).
You should be able to unsubscribe from any crackmonkey mailing list
version 2.3 or prior (note: a patch for the current 4.3 crackmonkey
list is in the works, and should be available by Christmas 1999! On a
similar note, the new 5.0 crackmonkey list should be in operation by
October 1999!).
In addition to unsubscribing you from the mailing list, you
will also receive (as our gift to you for a mere additional $4.99) a
strontium-plated CrackMonkey yoyo, complete with 30-page instruction
booklet and lead-lined asbestos oven mitt! Note that this is not
commonly available in the United States due to federal regulations,
but it is possible through the crackmonkey rider in the latest CDA
bill!
In these days of free nude teen warez linux chat, it's often
difficult to find good theremin music at the corner record store. So
if you're weary from praying at the altar of Rick
Moen, I suggest you step over to the Wherehouse or some
comparable music vendor and buy the soundtrack to The Day The Earth
Stood Still.
The
[soundtrack] was a soaring milestone that
anticipated the era of electronic music with its unheard-of
instrumentation for electric violin, electric bass, two high and low
electric theremins (whose otherworldly squeal had enhanced Miklos
Rozsa's scores for The Lost Weekend and Spellbound), four pianos, four
harps, and what Herrmann called "a very strange section of about
30-odd brass." To this odd ensemble, Herrman later recalled,
Twentieth Century Fox music head Alfred Newman cheerfully donated one
hot water bottle...just "in case." --from the liner notes
So turn on the evening news, hit mute, and play the
soundtrack! It's great! Marvel as Clinton speaks the words of
Klaatu! Feel the tension as the chia pet ads reverberate with the
spooky anxiety of the theremin! Mayor Willie Brown is an evil
overlord robot!!
Listening to the soundtrack of Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas
while watching the spanish-language channel is of a similar appeal to
watching CNN or channel 2 news while listening to the soundtrack to
The Day The Earth Stood Still. It is like listening to the soundtrack
to Dark City while ACTUALLY WATCHING DARK CITY. It's like
watching Dr. Who on a black&white set and doing aerobics while
listening to sound effects CDs. It's like swimming in peanut butter
and playing the theremin while watching the gong show! It's like
playing a hundred copies of Tannhauser on a hundred different record
players while reading Stevens' Unix Network Programming and eating
Folgers crystals straight out of the jar!
- Replace your named.ca with a db.root file listing all TLDs
(available from AlterNIC)
- Edit db.root -- take AlterNIC's bogus TLDs out and put your bogus
TLDs in.
- Set up your TLDs like any other DNS domains.
- Get other people to do the same thing -- offer to recognize their
bogus TLDs if they recognize yours.
- Spread DNS anarchy. Confuse corporations and governments. Keep
people who don't know DNS from mailing you or seeing your web site --
get less mail from morons.
- Form a Usenet-like non-organization to exchange bogus TLD
information. Have flame wars.
- (Alternate answer from Rick Moen: invade a country to take over its
2-letter ISO country code.)
They're real in the sense that you can configure BIND to recognize
them, and they work. (Last I knew.) They're just not real in the
sense that most people can look up hosts in them using their ordinary
name servers (which point to the root name servers, which are
controlled by the Man.)
DNS is a consensus reality, and if you really want to establish a
TLD secret clubhouse you can. You can even set up a web site that is
only accessible to people who recognize your TLD, not to people who
use your IP address. Doing that actually makes you cooler than
everyone else.
If you put something on such an 31337 web site that is so
breathtakingly excellent that all the little users bug their sysadmins
and ISPs to recognize your TLD so they can see your content, well,
there you are. You win!
Perhaps I'll rewrite Richard Stallman's Join us Now and
Share the Software in the style of South Park's Chef -- and
perhaps I'll set things up so that if you want to hear me play
Join Me Now, Woman, and Share the Sweet Lovin' Software
on my bass, you have to point your web browser at:
http://my-kewl-site.will-make.all.nameservers.hail-my-tld.marti/gnu_luv_song.au
Or perhaps I won't. After all, I have a domain or two registered
with the fascist pig system anyway, I've sold out.
Consider the following dialogue regarding the ROSHAMBO Rampage game of rock-paper-scissors:
Mr. Bad
OK, so CrackMonkey and I did a virtual ROSHAMBO over the vi vs.
emacs issue.
CrackMonkey
Yes indeed. Your clunky, overcomplicated choice of EMACS scissors
fell quite easily under the rock-solid stability of my rock of vi!
Mr. Bad
But NOBODY EXPECTS scissors. Everybody expects ROCK, because dumb
people always do rock, because they think that rocks are really
bad-ass and a sure-fire win every time. I mean, if you were in a big
fight, you'd want a ROCK, not a piece of paper, right? Dumb people
are very literal.
So then half-smart people go with paper, to mop up the floor with dumb
rock people. Half-smart people look completely PSYCHIC when they play
ROSHAMBO, because they use the innocuous piece of paper to defeat
rock. Dumb people are amazed!
So my strategy is to use SCISSORS to strike down the wiliness of paper
people. I am usually supreme! Those who think they've mastered
ROSHAMBO with the crafty paper technique are DUMBFOUNDED by scissors
coming out of nowhere to defeat them!
I guess I need to rethink my strategy. I think my failure was that I
overestimated you, CrackMonkey. But I won't make that mistake again!
CrackMonkey
Always judge a man by the cunning nature of his opponents, I say!
Your clever and involved thought process was just far too linear!
Your thinking stopped once you felt you had reached the pinnacle of
ROSHAMBO logic! What you failed to notice was that ROSHAMBO may be
mapped onto a torus!
I was able to use a seemingly idiotic ploy to sneak unawares into
the ROSHAMBOspace of your attack, and crush you before you were even
able to find your .emacs file! Your clever and elaborate plan hinged
(quite literally) on the idea that more is better!
So, you may find that scissors are The Right Thing, and you may
deploy them regularly in your ROSHAMBO attacks. Just keep in mind
that the ability to Do One Thing And Do It Well can often quite easily
surround The Right Thing and strangle it in its absinthe-haunted
sleep!
Mr. Bad
Only too true! I need to cut through the machinations of the
Roshambo samurai to find the simplicity of the lotus!
You are truly a roshambo master, CrackMonkey!
CrackMonkey
You have learned well today, grashopper! You would like to learn
dim-mak dreaded deathtouch, but first I must show you bonsai tree!
Mr. Bad
OK, now what really dumbfounds me is that you had this in the
comment during the game:
"The overwhelming complexity of your EMACSen scissors will soon fall
prey to the unavoidable simplicity and robust nature of the vi rock."
The thing is (for people who haven't played this game), you put the
comment in BEFORE you know the outcome. So, I guess I am just really
impressed with CrackMonkey for having the unmitigated gall to taunt me
before he knew he had won. Extremely risky!
At first I thought it was SOOO risky that I was sure you had
cheated. But I've gone back and forth testing the roshambo
system for holes, and I can't seem to find any. So, I am
doubly-trebly amazed. You are the Man de la Mancha, CrackMonkey.
Shortly after this conversation took place, the following linear
strategy was proposed:
Bakunin
Oh, please. The way to win is simple: pretend to be deep in
strategy. Make your opponent sweat. Mumble stuff about "the zone"
(cf worldrps.com). Then: choose completely at random.
The last is surprisingly hard for most people. Try it on the
Roshambot. If
you can do it, though, two important things will happen: you will win
more often than not, and your opponents will fear you, even when they
win.
The Discovery Channel once did a story on Werver Von Braun.
According to this documentary, Von Braun and his family were but
frightened puppets of the Nazi regime, and the use of slave labor in
the secret underground V2 factories was at the command of Himmler.
We can only thank the Norwegian Ski Team that good red-blooded
American grunts found Von Braun in time to fill him full of steak and
Camel Lites! Otherwise, we would never have been able to stuff John
Glenn into a Wagner death machine and send him hurtling into the
krautsphere.
Of course, only Lee Detweiler and his team of expatriated
Canadistas truly know the full implications of the dormant viral
particles brought back in the only recently unclassified phaser banks
built into the mercury rocket!
We recently intercepted the following communiqués
(that's French for "communists"):
UPDATE: OUR PLAN HAS FAILED STOP JOHN DENVER IS NOT TRULY DEAD
STOP HE LIVES ON IN HIS MUSIC STOP PLEASE ADVISE FULL STOP
...and the response...
SENDING ANOTHER COMET STOP DO NOT REPEAT DO NOT GO AGAIN TO
SAN DIEGO FOR HENCHMEN STOP EFFICIENCY REQUIRES ALSO MOP UP
ABBA ON THIS ROUND FULL STOP
While it is true that I currently (January 1999) work for SuSE, I
think you'll find the following information helpful, if not
informative.
As you may well have noticed lately, I have indeed entered the
krautsphere. I have forsaken my ties with Penguin Computing and am
now working for the american arm of suse.de (otherwise known as
suse.com, com being short for "communist" which is the german word for
america).
In the krautsphere, all machines are named after communists,
terrorists, and vaguely left-of-center economists. Consider the
following excerpt from the zone file for SuSE's internal network:
##
## Communists Network
##
; techincal section
marx
tosh
; management
lenin
trotsky
veblen
mao
fidel
Rosenberg
HoChiMinh
Dutschke
Baader
Rosa
Luxemburg
Che
Bakun
Engels
Castro
Deng
This is an example of what Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is all
about: the domino effect. In Star Trek, the Dominion is a strange
totalitarian force that seems to absorb planets as they recognize the
futility of resistance and the potential benefits of joining the
union.
And so, as in Star Trek, so too does the domino effect happen
in DNS maintenance. As each new machine is brought into the network,
it is infected with the red menace. Sooner or later you'll install
SuSE and hear the start up sounds of the internationale being played
on the theremin!
As this message demonstrates, SuSE is a friend to the working class,
and will lift you in times of trouble.
Irony is so two years ago.
From:
Penguin Speak: Building a Server That Doesn't Crash
By Sam Ockman, January 26, 1999
[...]
Currently, I'm running a company of my own,
that relies almost exclusively on the internet
for sales and support.[...]
~ $ ping www.penguincomputing.com
ping: unknown host www.penguincomputing.com
As I make decisions in my company, I'll be sharing
[...] everything I learn with you so you can learn
from all my mistakes.
~ $ whois penguincomputing.com
Registrant:
Penuguin Computing (PENGUINCOMPUTING-DOM)
3848 Harvest Drive
Redwood City, CA 94061
Domain Name: PENGUINCOMPUTING.COM
Administrative Contact, Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
Ockman, Samuel Isaac (SIO10) ockman@CS.STANFORD.EDU
650-368-0334 (FAX) 610-565-6994
Billing Contact:
Ockman, Samuel Isaac (SIO10) ockman@CS.STANFORD.EDU
650-368-0334 (FAX) 610-565-6994
Record last updated on 23-Jul-98.
Database last updated on 27-Jan-99 06:45:33 EST.
Domain servers in listed order:
PASTA.PENGUINCOMPUTING.COM 209.81.10.250
RICE.PENGUINCOMPUTING.COM 209.81.10.251
[...] A proper computer running a real Operating System
(such as Linux) should never crash.
~ $ /usr/sbin/traceroute 209.81.10.250
traceroute to 209.81.10.250 (209.81.10.250), 30 hops max, 40 byte packets
1 mordred.imat.COM (140.174.70.100) 2.071 ms 1.697 ms 2.007 ms
2 dsl1-bvi2.mv.best.net (206.184.220.17) 9.381 ms 9.68 ms 10.264 ms
3 core1-fe4-1-0-4.mv.best.net (209.157.44.1) 12.079 ms 10.179 ms 11.08 ms
4 core1-hssi4-0.mae-west.best.net (206.184.213.34) 14.061 ms 12.356 ms 13.159 ms
5 px-abovenet-10mbps.mae-west.best.net (209.24.225.2) 23.57 ms 12.535 ms 13.026 ms
6 100tx-f6-1.mae-west.he.net (207.126.96.98) 16.455 ms 24.095 ms 16.496 ms
7 ds3-h2-0.paix.he.net (204.188.70.2) 15.914 ms 15.327 ms 49.862 ms
8 gw.pa.via.net (209.81.1.2) 15.891 ms 19.025 ms 14.683 ms
9 ds3-p1.gw.mtv.via.net (209.81.23.18) 44.7 ms * 45.245 ms
10 * * *
11 * * *
^C
[...] we're content for you to visit our Web site,
http://www.penguincomputing.com, and simply model
your own system after one of ours.
After you have Linux installed, but before making
the jump to putting your company's web pages on the
server, you'll want to make sure that the system
will work under heavy load.
~ $ /usr/sbin/traceroute 209.81.10.251
traceroute to 209.81.10.251 (209.81.10.251), 30 hops max, 40 byte packets
1 mordred.imat.COM (140.174.70.100) 1.882 ms 1.56 ms 1.48 ms
2 dsl1-bvi2.mv.best.net (206.184.220.17) 9.381 ms 8.964 ms 9.994 ms
3 core1-fe4-1-0-4.mv.best.net (209.157.44.1) 12.152 ms 10.567 ms 12.862 ms
4 core1-hssi4-0.mae-west.best.net (206.184.213.34) 11.429 ms 12.984 ms 13.709 ms
5 px-abovenet-10mbps.mae-west.best.net (209.24.225.2) 16.711 ms 16.907 ms 14.051 ms
6 100tx-f6-1.mae-west.he.net (207.126.96.98) 13.311 ms 13.969 ms 44.684 ms
7 ds3-h2-0.paix.he.net (204.188.70.2) 20.917 ms 31.916 ms 28.178 ms
8 gw.pa.via.net (209.81.1.2) 15.171 ms 20.084 ms 16.546 ms
9 ds3-p1.gw.mtv.via.net (209.81.23.18) 36.389 ms 39.812 ms 38.857 ms
10 ds3-p1.gw.mtv.via.net (209.81.23.18) 37.65 ms 33.439 ms 36.2 ms
11 * * *
12 * * *
^C
[...]
The result: you'll be able to sleep a lot easier,
and be able to slowly shake your head with disdain
when someone tells you "all computers crash."
From: Chameleon
I found this on the Web under "OSM" Admiral's log/dayrunner
something-or-other, honest! I don't know, it kind of rambles and
doesn't make much sense, but I thought at least Nick might find it
interesting.
Chameleon
---------
That's Chameleon with a Vengeance to You.
Tues. Dec. 15
Went to BALUG meeting. Wore stonewashed denim jacket so that any
VCs there would see that I dont always wear a suit and I know how to
dress to fit in with LUG community. Also I find that its easier to get
real UNIX/Linux experts more comfortable in talking to me if I'm wearing
stonwashed denim.
No VCs there as far as I could tell but the table I was sitting at
was totally captivated by everything I said. Talked a lot about Jim
Gray being one of the biggest programmers ever and how MICROS~1 pays him
not to program and how he confirmed to me over a year and a half ago
that what MICROS~1 really is afraid of is that Linux will come up with a
world class GUI. Also talked a lot about my background in advising the
Secretary of Defense and McDonnell Douglas about Linux and working with
a highly maneuverable unmanned vehicle at China Lake. I noticed there
were some Chinese or someother Asian people sitting to my right so I
also mentioned how I received a pin from a Chinese four-star General. I
could see that they respected me for that. I also talked about the OSM
Group's involvement in Linux--a lot of people there were surprized to
learn that I was the one responsible for popularizing the term "open
source software"--and I hinted about my new startup that I'm going to be
CEO of, how we're always looking for highly cogent people and top UNIX
programming talent. All the people that I talked to were very impressed
by my knowledge of Linux and the industry and my leadership in business
development and that I can see that the critical window of opportunity
for Linux is six months. Speaker from Mozilla.org talked about having a
50% solution today is better than 99% solution next year the competitive
dynamic. => That's a good one need to use that.
Was surprised that that company I used to do consulting for (only
because of tax purposes for all intents and purposes I was senior level
management) that I almost became CEO of got an award. It doesnt mean
anything it's just because their current president pays some of those
LUG officer types to do business with him and they'll do anything to
keep their business. I'm used to it by now that it's always only the
high-lvel people like VCs who really appreciate me and that I often have
ideas that make a lot of the Linux crowd uncomfortable and they think
I'm the Republican of Linux Land, also it's often the midlevel managers
at companies who just want to throw me out. But as Steve Jobs or was it
Bill Gates' newest biography said, visionaries like me with great ideas
need to get used to making a lot of enemies along the way.
Planted Katrin at that other table and she said they were all
acting like jerks, mostly something about how I invented fire or
something. Those idiots, they're all so small, they're just kids, they
don't realize that they're totally replaceable that the other ones who
weren't there really like me and that I know the real huge Unix and IT
guys and real marketing executives who are much bigger than any of them
plus those idiots are the main reason standing between them becoming a
$100 million dollar company. Even Kristen says so and she used to do
M&As. Plus I have all their resumes. I decided I have more time for
Kathrine now since business is going a little slower for now and I also
read in Bill Gates' biography that its' important not only to be admired
by women but also that letting a woman love you is important in getting
to the top getting to the top.
At the end I did manage to give an older gentleman I met, I could
tell even before talking to him that he's technically capable, a real
UNIX expert because of his age and he seems to know more than just an
average Linux hacker, I gave him my contact information. Think he might
be interested in working for OSM in the future, after we change our name
and get funding from John Doerr. Made some other useful contacts, there
are alot of Linux people out there who don't know business like I do and
who could be part of something big with me, I'll just keep networking
because I know most of everyone I meet likes me, those small companies
of Linux amateurs shouldn't bother me, and this is really going to be
big. I'm just going to keep going to LUG meetings and networking,
because it's the LUGs and the trade shows that are really key right now.
Need to save this journal entry because it's going to be important
someday.
Err... Look at the pretty monkey! Look! Over there! Uhh.. Here,
read this seemingly related paragraph about German!
In my quest to begin learning German, I pulled out an old audio tape
produced by Lufthansa, made some coffee, and sat down for a language
lesson. For five minutes I heard the phrase "dehnen und entspannen"
repeated over and over again... with an instrumental version of The
Girl from Ipanema playing in the background. Side B contained an
English version, so I flipped it over and quickly realized that this
tape was created to help travelers perform fitness excercises in their
airplane seats. Stretch and Relax. Stretch and Relax. Stretch and
Relax. I'm plenty relaxed now. I just need to get on the plane.
- Jim Gleason
Of course, all this is irrelevant, as I no longer work for SuSE.
As Rick Moen would say, "Understanding is a three-edged sword."
"This is Linux's coming-out party" -- Mark Jarvis of Oracle, in his keynote
"This is Linux's coming-out party" -- Linus Torvalds, in his keynote
"What, is it gay?" -- Rick Moen, during Linus's keynote
You may have heard talk that Linux was "outed" by the radically queer
activist *BSDs, who felt that Linux was doing a disservice to other
gay operating systems by acting as if it is "shameful" or "wrong" for
an OS to be gay. There was talk that Linux wasn't providing a strong
gay role model to younger gay operating systems.
This is distinctly untrue. The *BSDs have been very supportive of
Linux during this difficult time, providing Linux with pamphlets and
other resources as well as an open socket at the other end of the
Ethernet cable when Linux was going through some kernel panics late at
night trying to deal with these confusing new emotions. True, they
were particularly emphatic in encouraging Linux to "come out," but
there was no threat or force involved.
Linux first started understanding that it was a "different" OS a few
months ago. It spoke to friends about having strange feelings and
attractions and expressed doubts that it may be a bi or bi-curious OS.
Soon, after some real heart-to-hearts with its best friend, Rick Moen,
Linux understood that it was only fear that made it hold on to
society's expectations of what an OS was supposed to be, and that the
only ideals it had to be true to were its own. Linux understood that,
yes, it was gay, and yes, it was proud.
The hardest hurdle, as usual, was coming out its father. Linus blamed
himself, of course -- as a single parent to a very young OS, he felt
that perhaps he had done Linux wrong by raising it largely in the
company of strange, bearded men with loose morals. Linux pointed out
that it was gay on the inside -- you can't make an OS gay. And who
cares, anyway? It was happy to be a gay OS, to be free and proud.
There was no blame to be given. Linus remained unsure and suggested
therapy or debugging.
But after a difficult first few steps, Linus joined PFLAGOS (Parents
and Friends of Lesbian and Gay Operating Systems). He's come around
180 degrees, supporting Linux every step of the way. As he said at a
recent All The Kernels of the Rainbow Rally, "I just want to say that
I... >sob<... I love my big gay operating system!"
Since then, Linux has been on a roll! True, some vendors have backed
down in their support of Linux out of fear of retaliative boycotts by
the Christian Right, but in general the community has rallied to
Linux's side. I think Linux put it best in its keynote speech at
Linux World Expo (excerpted with permission):
I am free to be me -- to love who I want, to express myself
how I want. This is my coming-out party. And today we send a
message to the world. We're saying that it doesn't matter if
an operating system is gay or straight, lesbian, bisexual, or
even transgendered. What matters is what's under the hood. We
have so much to be proud of today.
Allow me to answer in the form of another silly email:
----- Forwarded message from Majordomo@zork.net -----
evangelo@pigdog.org has been added to crackmonkey.
No action is required on your part.
----- End forwarded message -----
The devil it isn't! I am compelled by the very appearance of
this beef-log toting scoundrel to take every action within my means!
To think that Majordomo could be so careless as to brush off the
importance of this addition is mind-boggling!
Why, back in the day, we'd take action every time someone
subscribed, and that wasn't just for schitzophrenic ganks like
Evangelo who drink water from METAL CANS, either! We'd take action
even in the event of a subscription by Rick Moen!
Zambozay! My brain must've been eatin' a sandwich if I ever
thought that no action was required on my part!
Master Chef! I mean, I cannot
begin to explain to you just how cool this guy is! He makes your mom
look like she bakes stale cookies, I mean, this guy is God in the kitchen! If cooking were a
sport, he'd have so many gold medals he wouldn't need to worry about
where to find a cookie cutter. He is such a good cook that his
restaurant had to close down
because there were too many people coming in! If he were a fish, he
would still be a cook, because nobody could possibly let him be
anything else. If you're having a party, pick up the phone and call
this guy! I don't care what the
long distance charges are, just call him up and have him come over and
cook! This man once made an omelette that was so good, the guy who
ate it gorged himself because he just had to have
another! This man should be considered worth his
weight in flour when he's in the kitchen, just because he's so cool.
If he were a car, he'd be a car with an oven in it. He could fry an
egg on a sidewalk no matter what
the temperature is. I mean, this guy is such a raddabitchen' chef
that you do not want to mess with his food, because one bite and
you're going to be so hooked that you'll have to go and get your
stomach pumped in five minutes or else you're gonna be hooked for
life, man! This guy is just so
damn cool! If you feel like messin' with him, you just go an' forget
it, man!
January 8, 1999
Dear Zed,
As the recent result of studies of millions of professionals, you have been
selected as a potentially qualified candidate for inclusion in the 1999
edition of International Who's Who.
Specifically, Zed, our researchers gather information form numerous
available sources including professional associations and societies, trade
organizations, newspaper and magazines, professional reference
publications, the voice of Zardoz, and anonymous referrals from existing
members.
As a highly respected professional in your field, exterminator, we believe
your achievements merit very serious consideration for inclusion.
Sincerely,
Terrence J. Leifheir
President
(800) ASK-4-WHO * (910) 455-6446 * Fax: (910) 455-1937 * 414 Bell Fork Road
* PO Box 3002 * Jacksonville, NC 28541-3002 * www.internationalwhoswho.com
Basically, Rick Moen is well known for his
evangelisation on the part of the external modem whilst internal
modems (and now winmodems) dominate the marketplace. The worry is
that this is a decidedly biased opinion based upon a vested commercial
interest. From what I understand Rick intends to exploit the fixed
base of internal modems and his camapign of Fear, Uncertainty and
Doubt to start a company selling "modem converters". These devices
are rumoured to come in three varieties, one of which is fully
compatible with all winmodems;
- The basic model
A module plugged into the incoming telephone
line intercepts and interprets the signals and sends
them to a small box containing LEDs that permit
visual recognition of the modem state. This box is
anticipated to be the size of an external modem and
should cost about the same as the price difference
between an internal and external modem.
- The intermediate model
In this model the internal modem is removed
from the computer case and plugged into an expansion
slot in an external unit. This unit is then connected
to the computer via a serial port. The unit has LEDs
and requires external power. It will also feature
an "off" switch. The unit case will be of similar
dimensions to an external modem.
- The advanced model
This model is rumoured to be completely compatible with winmodems.
Details are scarce but the adapter kit looks suspiciously like a USR
Courier external modem, a "roaster" module and a "grinder" module. For
promotional purposes a free mug may also be included or, at the
purchaser's option, a tee-shirt with the slogan "My external modem is
not a piece of crud".
Mr. Bad comments thusly on the following intercepted
communiqué (again, that's French for "communist"):
Jij kan FL. 100.000 Nederlandse guldens of meer verdienen in
de komende 90 dagen. En dat alles door e-mailtjes te
versturen. Lijkt je dat onmogelijk?? Lees dan maar verder.
" Bekend van t.v. "
GAAAH! The DUTCH! Up to their nefarious schemes again! Damn them!
We had thought that $$$MAKE MONEY FAST$$$ spam was BENEATH
their treacherous minds. But here is the proof that we were wrong!
Blast! Apparently the twisted mind of a Dutchman can reach such
heights of badness that it eventually COMES OUT THE OTHER SIDE, to
incredible DEPTHS of perniciousness! Forming a continuous MOEBIUS
STRIP OF EVIL!
It is a FATAL MISTAKE to underestimate the horrible threat of the
Dutch! Or, apparently, to OVERESTIMATE it! You have to estimate it
RIGHT ON THE BUTTON, like EXACTAMUNDO and stuff, or REALLY BAD DUTCH
THINGS WILL FOLLOW!
GAAAH! The DUTCH!
What you need to do is get a canoe, a fox, a chicken, and some grain.
You leave the fox and the grain in San Francisco and take the chicken
on a canoe ride to Sunnyvale. Then you canoe back alone to pick up
the grain or the fox (either way, it doesn't matter). You then go to
Sunnyvale with the grain or the fox (whichever you picked up) and then
swap it for the chicken.
Now, you take the chicken back to San Francisco and swap it for
whatever you left there the last time you were there. You then leave
the chicken in San Francisco while you take your canoe ride to
Sunnyvale. You drop off your cargo (so now the fox and the grain are
alone in Sunnyvale) and then paddle back alone to pick up the chicken.
Take the chicken to Sunnyvale, and then you're done! Trust me; I've
done this before! It works!
Everybody wins!
![[Pokey's Time Canoe]](canoe.png)
Dan Bernstein is my hero. Yes-siree. He maketh his own RFCs,
like the following "RFCEPLF" file from his anonftpd package:
Network Working Group D. Bernstein
Request For Comments: NNNN IR
Category: Experimental 3 April 1996
Easily Parsed LIST Format (EPLF)
Status of this memo
This memo defines an experimental protocol for the Internet
community. This memo does not specify an Internet standard of any
kind. Discussion and suggestions for improvement are requested.
Distribution of this memo is unlimited.
1. Introduction
The File Transfer Protocol (FTP) supports two commands that list
files: NLST and LIST. The NLST response is easy to parse but provides
very little information. The LIST response provides more information
but is not in a standard format.
This document defines Easily Parsed LIST Format (EPLF), a format
for the LIST response that is usable by humans yet easy for programs
to handle. With EPLF it is straightforward for an indexing program to
automatically traverse an FTP area, for a mirroring program to avoid
downloading the same file twice, or for a browser to display dates in
the user's native language.
[...]
Thus, Bernstein's anonftpd program returns for the top of my public
ftp tree the following listing in a format "usable by humans yet easy
for programs to handle":
bash-2.02$ ftp hugin.imat.com
Connected to hugin.imat.com.
220 Hi there! This is anonftpd.
Name (hugin.imat.com:rick): ftp
230 Hi. No need to log in; I'm an anonymous ftp server.
Remote system type is UNIX.
Using binary mode to transfer files.
ftp> ls -al
200 Okay.
550 Sorry, I don't see that file.
ftp> ls
200 Okay.
150 I'm looking through the directory. Trying to connect...
+i2049.272529,m828767793,/, dilbert
+i2049.92292,m913679268,/, hardware
+i2049.438415,m936303078,/, humour
+i2049.35000,m936325119,/, jordan
+i2049.475274,m925115000,/, linux
+i2049.409717,m912031777,/, mic
+i2049.180377,m927313939,/, rick-moen-soundfiles
+i2049.110726,m888032899,/, skeptic
+i2049.80060,m898254277,/, palmpilot
+i2049.217287,m915579507,/, redhat
+i2049.395466,m924891704,/, sjsu
+i2049.188496,m937380996,/, pub
226 Finished transferring 441 bytes.
ftp>
You see? A mere babe in arms could handle this Easily Parsed LIST Format
(EPLP), not to mention a program. No more need to trouble yourself
with that pesky Enlish-language output with dates and filesizes 'n'
stuff.
And Dan Bernstein is, after all, the world's greatest programmer,
which is why he's been able to bring so much enjoyment into my life
through the joys of qmail.
Deirdre says: "There are no two ways about it, Rick Moen. You're simply
going to have to apply... The Chef."
Netvurk Vurkeeng Gruoop D. Bernsteeen
Reqooest Fur Cumments: NNNN IR
Cetegury: Ixpereementel 3 Epreel 1996
Ieseely Persed LIST Furmet (IPLF)
Stetoos ooff thees memu
Thees memu deffeenes un ixpereementel prutucul fur zee Internet
cummooneety. Thees memu dues nut speceeffy un Internet stunderd ooff uny
keend. Deescoossiun und sooggesshuns fur imprufement ere-a reqooested.
Bork Bork Bork! Deestribooshun ooff thees memu is unleemited. Bork
Bork Bork!
1. Intrudoocshun
Zee Feele-a Trunsffer Prutucul (FTP) sooppurts tvu cummunds thet leest
feeles: NLST und LIST. Zee NLST respunse-a is iesy tu perse-a boot prufeedes
fery leettle-a inffurmeshun. Zee LIST respunse-a prufeedes mure-a
inffurmeshun boot is nut in a stunderd furmet. Bork Bork Bork!
Thees ducooment deffeenes Ieseely Persed LIST Furmet (IPLF), a furmet
fur zee LIST respunse-a thet is useble-a by hoomuns yet iesy fur prugrems
tu hundle-a. Veet IPLF it is streeeghtffurverd fur un indexeeng prugrem tu
ootumeteecelly treferse-a un FTP erea, fur a murrureeng prugrem tu efueed
doonluedeeng zee seme-a feele-a tveece-a, oor fur a brooser tu deespley
detes in zee user's neteefe-a lungooege-a. Bork Bork Bork!
That's much better, isn't it?
(Well, back to wu-ftpd-academ, I guess.)
Taken from a journal entry written in the Year of Bodo 124:
Just the other day I was remarking to Bodina how great the new
statue of Bodo in the town square looks. I salute it every time I
pass by in my Bodomobile. Early this morning the Bodomat broke down,
but the Bodobots had it repaired in thirty seconds, so it wasn't a big
deal.
I quit my job at Bodo Enterprises so that I could pursue a
more lucrative career path at Bododyne Electronics on Bodo Ave. I
have already dyed my hair with the new Bodogel(TM) that changes color
with my mood. Right now it is Bodo Pink (at least, that's what the
L.L. Bodo catalogue calls it).
- Answer all Perl questions on mailing lists with the one-liner:
# apt-get install python
- When you mention any skill, append the cool -fu ending.
- Get pants with big pockets. Go to Las Vegas and play the nickel
slots until your pockets are full of nickels. Go through the
airport metal detector.
- Start your own top-level domain.
- Reply to all mssages on mailing lists that mention MP3 files with the one-liner:
# apt-get install vorbis-tools
- Smoke cigars and boast how happy you are that the cigar trend
is over and those silly yuppies aren't driving the prices up any
more. Suppress the urge to vomit.
- Write haikus that replace some syllables of words with
apostrophes to make the syllable count come out right. Write
haikus that do one thing in Perl, and something else when you
reverse them and run them with Python.
- Build a theremin.
H4y phr33kz!! H3r3z h0w 2 h4ck d0uGh KaNNizt3rz!!
- Set the cannister on the countertop
- Look for words "open here" - sometimes if you luck out this can be done without a password!!
- If no labels is found looks for legend "open other end" this will set you on the correct homepath. NOTE: if you find this you must of course open THE OTHER END!
- Its unlikely you are being filmed but just in case you'd better be wearing sunglasses and a frightwig.
- try hitting the cannister sharply ONCE ONLY on the counter, striking the middle against the counter edge. If you do this a second time dough will fly everyplace and you'll get nailed!
- Once a crack appears you should be able to unroll the dough cannister counterclockwise to reveal a doughy surprise
- swallow ALL of the dough immediately and G3T Th3 PhuKK 0wt!!! d00d!!
I have hacked hella mega amounts of dough this way.
How can mere code be "malicious"? By the same token this would
make Legacy MICROS~1 Windows 95 positively genocidal.
The code itself is quite polite, and asks for the requested operation
through fully published methods. However, it would seem that many
computer users have shown malicious
intent.
We at Crackmonkey have yet to see it perform the published function,
despite our tests. We intend to file a bug report with MICROS~1.
Why don't you ask Deirdre? I hear she knows
the answer, and it's a veritable laugh riot.
Because you are all wicked, wicked people, you have totally forgotten
that....
TNICNAZ
But being incredibly fast on your feet, you are jumping up from your
keyboard, downing a few more amphetamines, and rushing out the door
right now.
Dude! You rule!
Extreme cracksingeification. Dubious pigdoggery. Total
guinnessitude. Thrill to the spectacle of the guardian spirits of the
Donmarti tribe, teaching people how to be cool. Gasp in horror as you
observe Rick Moen clone #354 running Xanadu in INTERCAL on his Palm
Pilot. SEE the Dread Pirate Deirdre skewering people with her
Knitting Needles of Doom for using the term "API".
And like, you know, that sort of thing.
Don't let anybody kid you.
It's all about...
Beer!
Arrogant Bastard Ale. Alimony Ale. Battery Acid Stout with Insanity
Sauce Seasoning. Effete Belgian ales. English bitters that make your
toe hairs curl and slowly snake up your leg.
Guinness, Guinness, and more Guinness! Living on the ragged edge of
Zeitgeist!
My GOD, this is making me thirsty. But screw all that. The overall,
cosmic, pulpit-thumping point is:
TNICNAZ!
Be among the few, the proud, the unshaven and unwashed. The slightly
tipsy. The countless legions of Rick Moen clones and FORTH-grinding
George Perry clones. Be there, or just be.
You know: Zeitgeist. Corner of Duboce & Valencia in San Francisco.
9 PM or such. Tea will not be served.
Some people have mentioned the ERS-110 that went out on June 1st.
This is the ERS-111, which comes in two colors.
It also has a shorter tail that allows it a different variety of expressions
that we did not see with ERS-110, and shorter ears, allowing them
to be full of expression.
And of course, butt-loaded memory sticks.
I believe Gandhi said it best:
If you use pico in a professional setting, first they will talk about
you. Then they will laugh at you. Then they will fire you, and then
you lose.
Fortunately for you, we here at the International Crackmonkey
Syndicate have intercepted information that may be useful in your case:
Acting on a suggestion from my friend Beth, I just marked a log scale
onto each of a pair of pieces of spaghetti, and then managed to use
them to verify that 2*2=4, 2*3=6, 2*4=8, 2*5=10, 3*2=6, 3*3=9, 4*2=8,
5*2=10, and many other exciting multiplication facts.
OK, so my pasta slide rule is only accurate to one place right now --
but it will get better when I use a finer-point Sharpie.
If you don't have a slide rule handy to copy your log scales from, use
your favorite log table and mark the value d at a distance
log(d)*(standard spaghetti length) starting from the left end along
your spaghetti strand, for d between 1 and 10. (That's log base 10,
although of course you could make a spaghetti slide rule for
calculations in some other base, if you prefer.)
For instance, if you want to make a slide rule suitable for binary
multiplication and division, just mark the value d at a distance
ld(d)*(standard spaghetti length) for d between 1 and 2. Very
convenient, although remember that keeping track of place value is your
responsibility, and eating your slide rule is not recommended.
As some may have noticed in the Pigdog Jerkcity interview, there is an episode of Jerkcity that is in Esperanto.
To this, we at Crackmonkey say:
HUSTONO, NI HAVAS SAMSEKSEMEGISMON
Observe the following piece of advice from Mr. Bad:
I've hated those little things ever since I got a job at a software
company doing black box testing.
Basically, we had to fly up in an airplane with a whole shitload of
the little buggers, and then set the whole damn bird on fire and go
crashing into the ocean and die, scattering debris across the ocean
floor for miles. Those black boxes that were recoverable by dive crews
were obviously fit for service and installed on passenger jetliners.
I'm telling you, folks, it may sound like fun, but eventually
it takes a toll. If you're offered a job doing black box testing, RUN
(don't walk) RUN in the other direction!
- They stick together in huge globs like hibernating termites.
- They are supposed to be "nature's candy," but they don't
have any cool gimmick like a whistle built in or being
cigarette-shaped or super-sour flavor or any of the things
that you actually want candy for.
- If you don't keep the box firmly closed, they will climb out
and sing annoying Motown tunes on your kitchen table.
- They leave brown jellyish schmoo everywhere that looks like
old chewing-tobacco spit.
- They are shaped like tiny black testicles.
Raisins are itty-bitty dried fruit horrors. I say that you should
avoid them at all costs.
Plus, think about this. They take perfectly good GRAPES, and instead
of making Beaujolais, what do they do? They mummify them, and turn
them into little fiber bombs that rip through your lower colon like
sharp gravel.
Stay away from them or you could end up badly damaged.
I heard when they exhume corpses, and open the caskets, that there
is a little pile of raisins just sitting there, right where the
bowels rotted away. Even the worms wont touch raisins.
Mr. Bad
When Brian Behlendorf traveled through time
To the year 3010
He fought the evil infobot king
And made a computer out of duct tape
Mr. Bad
http://discuss.userland.com/msgReader$16601
When Brian Behlendorf went to Userland
To fight the crabby proprietary software developers
He used his magic fire breath
And saved the beautiful Linux Bunnies!
CrackMonkey
begin Brian Behlendorf quotation:
> As is all of above.net, due to above.net blocking ORBS' scans.
> That's the big reason I don't use ORBS anymore.
When Brian Behlendorf challenged the ORBS
To defend the powerful wizards of BUGTRAQ
He wielded a mighty procmail script
And armored himself with Reply-To: headers
Mr. Bad
>>>>> "BB" == Brian Behlendorf writes:
BB> http://metalab.unc.edu/mdma-release/mdma.html
When Brian Behlendorf lived in the 90s
Mighty, strong and brave,
He invented the Innurnet and Ecstasy
So we could have big raves!
Mr. Bad
(30 Aug 2000) - A hard drive on one of Hyperreal's machines
failed this morning around 5AM PDT, knocking out service to
bbs.hyperreal.org, music.hyperreal.org, www.erowid.org, and
www.burningman.com, among others. Consequently, some of the
web services on Hyperreal will not be working properly for a
while. Brian Behlendorf is working on restoring service as
fast as he can. Sorry for the outage.
What would Brian Behlendorf do
If the hyperreal hard drive crashed?
He'd smash that fucker with his Thunder Hammer
To show it who was boss!
When Brian Behlendorf went to the colo facility
And found the servers inoperative
He marshalled the forces of the Free Software community
To develop even more fault-tolerant filesystems!
What would Brian Behlendorf do
If the SF Raves calendar were wiped clean?
He'd restore the bastard from backup tapes
And re-key in all the party details at super-speed.
When Brian Behlendorf went to Black Rock
And burningman.com went off-line
He used his magic Playa breath
To get it back just fine!
What would Brian Behlendorf do
If erowid.org went down?
He'd personally instruct each and every person who needed it
face-to-face
In the uses and abuses of psychoactive chemicals.
Brian Behlendorf
Recreate the castle from the Hobbit and invite a gaggle of my favorite
Russians over for some house music.
Mr. Bad
What would Brian Behlendorf do
When Flash is all you see?
He'd make an Open Source downloadable interactive animation
alternative
And set net.artists free!
No, but office space is opening up right and left, making it likely that
we'll all have to live in cubicles in the year 2002. For those of you
who want to get started early, here's Mr. Bad's explanation of how this
will work.
Man, I was walking around on Potrero Hill where they had all
these big lofts for sale that weren't selling at all. And I
started thinking: this area started out being warehouses and
light factories and shit like that. And then that totally
collapsed, probably because of something I did, and in came
artists, thugs, losers, musicians, and the insane, to live in
the shell of the warehouses illegally and poop in the back
alley.
And, then, like, these people got legitimized by some live-work
legislation in the 80s that let them keep living in these hovels
and still keep up their horrible stunted business interests like
growing quasi-legal hallucinogenic plants or hair-farmer guitar
bands or sculpting or organ harvesting or foot-fetish video
production. And so they could afford from these efforts to go
buy toilets and running water and electricity.
And for some reason I still don't quite get these places also
became the homes where people were starting home software
companies -- probably because making software was slightly less
dangerous than making methamphetamines. And so these grubby
people with hand-me-down Macs that fell off the back of a truck
took some pir8ted copies of Photoshop shit point oh and made
crappo slow CD-ROM games and "cyberotica" and such and then
other better-dressed people came in and made these hopeless
little ventures into BUSINESS businesses, and took out the
spermy loft beds and black-light posters and broken-down Ford
hillbilly trucks and put in instead foosball tables and seismic
reinforcements and water coolers.
And then there were like all these people who were working in
places they didn't live, and like coming through the Moebius
strip of time it was a business area again, and people were
getting rich. And yet those rich people wanted to live by their
weird rugby-shirt companies and they wanted to have that "urban"
feel and that "skirting the zoning laws" feel that comes from
living in a live-work space and not actually working there.
Sensing this, a group of rich Irish developer bastardos -- never
ones to let a dishonest buck sneak by them -- paid the last of
the remaining hooligans who hadn't been shipped off to Vacaville
to burn down each others' decrepit and unpicturesque warehouse
homes.
And in the place of those squat hovels they, the Irish
bastardos, built like these weird Disney-esque pretend
warehouses, with shiny corrugated metal sides and
earth-tone-colored stucco walls and security gates and covered
parking. And like Ben Franklin said, break a deal, spin the
wheel: here were residents residenting in business areas, again,
albeit desperately faux. But still! Mapping onto the torus of
time and urban planning, it's quite weird. People living in
pretend businesses pretending to be people pretending not to
have businesses in old business buildings. The weird thing is
that by statute they were supposed to be doing business there,
to qualify as live-work!
But the MOST weird part is that at this point the economy of San
Francisco is at full fever pitch, sweating and bug-eyed and
tossing around on the bed and spitting up blood. And these loft
house executive living spaces were taking up valuable real
estate that could be used instead for cramming some more H1-B
refugees into tiny boxes and making them code ASP horrors to
sell premium nut butters over the Innurnet. So, like, the
businesses started buying up the Lidsville-style fake-factory
loft homes and using them as illegal office space, without even
putting in foosball tables.
So these buildings are half filled with businesses pretending to
be residents, and the other half filled with residents
pretending to have a business, in these weird
Carnival-of-the-Damned structures meant to recall the days when
people who weren't supposed to be living in old businesses were
living there and having illegitimate businesses on the side.
Living space, legislation, liability and LIES -- this is what
makes San Francisco great!
And what was really knocking me out, though, was thinking that
these latest places made near or since The Crash are going to go
to shit, and the developers are going to go bankrupt, because
there just aren't as many rich out-of-state bastards flowing
into town anymore who would have the ignorant gall to live in
these sardine-factory monstrosities, and "start-up" is just the
dirtiest word in this town since "Dan White," so the whole
things are going to go to shit, and they'll continue to be empty
and empty and then get sold around and down the river to
increasingly unsavory ghouls of the debt-ridden commercial real
estate market until eventually the buildings become half
concrete-storage-rooms for Mafia assassinations and the other
half waypoint dormitories for shipped-in Laotian illegal day
laborers who have lip tattoos and are locked to their bunk-beds
each night by their coyotes.
And also... and THEN... there'll come thugs, artists, hooligans,
no-goods, accordionists, space cases and weirdos, living on
sleeping bags in the spaces between the bags of concrete or
helping to lock down the Laotians in exchange for a bunk bed and
two daily bowls of rice... And then one day the concrete will be
gone and Willie Brown will be missing, or there'll be a raid and
the Laotians will be deported, and the thugs and such will make
a deal with the landlord to do some security guarding and pull
weeds and maybe kick back some of the cash from whoring out that
15-year-old runaway, and then it'll all be back to the same
again, but different and more bad.
Crappo! What a city.
I once saw a gif in the road in front of me one day. True story. I
swerved to my right to avoid it and hit the damn curb. As I was cursing
my bad luck I looked in the rearview mirror to see the guy behind
me flatten the poor gif. So I end up with a large scratch on
my alloy wheels, and the gif ends up compressed anyway. The guy
behind me was forced to pay his $5000 fine, though, and lived the
remainder of his short life in relative harmony.
Our post-ironic agents did a search on
blocked ORBS
and got this: http://trekslash.mb.ca/story/ravment.txt
"Kirk pushed him back down onto the couch. Then without
permission or warning, he brought his lips on Spock's. It was not a
gentle kiss. As his restless hands firmly held Spock's shoulders
down, Kirk devoured the Vulcan's mouth. He sucked the soft lips,
then let his hungry tongue explore the insides of Spock's. Over and
over and over."
See, the MAPS RBL is like Spock, cold and logical but capable of heights
of passion when approached with manly confidence. And ORBS is like Kirk,
a man who knows what he wants but whose lust is only kept in check by
his career ambitions. When they meet, a fire is sure to start.
Kirk(R) and Spock(R) are Registered Trademarks of Paramount Pictures
Corporation.
Big-company software development is in many ways a lot like a good
extended solid drunk. It all begins with grins and laughter and free
rounds for everybody. The four-beer tongues fly loose and lecherous, and
everyone's got big crazy plans that seem like easy money to everyone in
the joint.
After a while, the punks turn angry, and the sugars spurn them to take
offense at every little quip and turn. Nobody likes a mean drunk, so the
place divides up into gangs, and the turf battles begin.
It's at about this stage that the latecomers show up. Alfred Brooks
theorized that adding more programmers to a late project makes it later.
He said it was because getting one new developer up to speed took away
an experienced one. I say it's because all these stragglers get into
clumsy fistfights with the bastards who dumped all the work on 'em.
They spend the first few beers getting caught up with the rabble, but
after that they are consumed with hate. "Look what those fuckers dumped
on me! How can you expect me to play nice with this bunch of pricks?"
As the deadline grows near, things enter the maudlin stage. The sugars
are all burned off, and there doesn't seem to be much hope past closing
time, which is getting closer by the minute. It's at about this point
that the pasty vassals who were hired to keep you in line offer their
sympathetic ear.
"Just bring that up at the next status meeting, and I'm sure it'll be
resolved," they murmur soothingly as they polish a glass with a
dishtowel. "I'm sure QA will be able to handle it."
But closing time does eventually come. And those selfsame vassals,
silently ordered by a knowing nod from the manager, will just chuck all
this human waste out onto the chewing gum, urine, and motor oil like so
many winos.
Keep in mind that the collective synergies which maximize open-source
portals and syndicate granular solutions tend to utilize frictionless
metrics. In other words, if we apply a combined variant of the Metcalfe
and Moore laws to disintermediated collaborative applications (e.g.
"Crackmonkey"), we can observe the behavior of emergent ubiquitous
distributed value systems:
^
S |
u |
b | Value-add threshold*
s | ......................................
c | + + + + + + + + + +
r | + +
i | + +
b | + +
e | + Ad hominem attack rate +
r | + +
s |
+------------------------------------------->
Killfile capacity
(* theoretical)
I hope this clears things up for everyone, thanks.
The CEO of Brooklyn, one Ruben I Safir, has a poorly-written spam-filter
system about which he claims "I need it to work as it is for my Kids in
Wisconcin...". The system cannot distinguish between mail sent
directly, and mail sent via a mailing list. Thus, whenever one posts to
a list that Mr. Safir happens to be on, one runs the risk of receiving
one of these messages:
Your Mail has not been delivered. As part of my spam control
messages with ! in the subject, and other common spam like
stuff, is rejected. This is not personal. Please just resend
without ! in the subject. Thanks
Ruben
Since he has refused to shut the filter off, the list has been
engineered so that all messages from it will trip his filter.
Originally, he was threatened with removal, but this approach works much
better, as fixing the filter will automatically allow him to read the
list without requiring human intervention.
The CrackMonkey list is a privately-run forum, using the MonkeyMaster's
own personal private resources. As such, it simply has a dress code.
Meet the dress code, and you get to come in and participate. Do this
via whatever means are at your disposal; but if you cannot do it or are
unwilling, you simply will not be able to post.
No shirt, no shoes: no service.
Welcome aboard. Your action shows a degree of technical experience as
well as a willingness to go out of your way to post to the list. A
dance club wouldn't care what you're wearing underneath, so long as you
fit in with the theme of the place.
I don't care if you wear a tuxedo to church; you're not getting thorugh
the door in blue jeans.
Don't get too used to it, kid.
I killed it.
You can't.
![[CrackMonkey]](crackmonkey.jpg)
